Top ten worst bond movies

Okay, here’s my definitive list of the worst bond films ever made. Considering that the best bond films are amongst my favorite movies of all time, it may seem strange that I need to compile this list at all, but to my mind there are few franchises where the quality varies so drastically. The Bourne films are all equally good, the Police Academy movies are equally bad with one exception; the first one. But with Bond you have a group of predominantly excellent films coupled with some utter turkeys, three of which are so bad I’d rather make my noodles in between the commercials and watch them instead.

Never say Never again: Irvin Kirschner what in God’s name were you thinking? You just made Empire? From the sublime to the ridiculous. It should be called Never SEE Never again! This woeful, soft lighting, back-combed (with the exception of Sean Connery’s toupee) effort was Bond’s all time worst outing by a country mile. Yes, I know it wasn’t a Broccoli production but this is my list and Bond was in it. Who’s idea it was to resurrect the aging Connery who proceeds to Zimmer-frame his way through a pointless plot. Throwing in Kim Basinger as was a total cheap shot which backfired badly for she is far better suited to nine and a half weeks than this rubbish. I understand it was an attempt to re-hash Thunder ball which was, at best, boring in the first place, but fail is too kind a word. It was a complete disaster. Highlights include 80’s squeeze Barbera Carrera (Later of Dallas fame) as Fatima Blush … arguably the most pathetic Bond Girl name in history, and her acting which was so wooden it made Connery look positively Shakespearean. And Rowan Atkinson as the (stereotypical) bumbling British civil servant ‘Nigel Small-Fawcett’ … give me strength. I can’t talk about it any more, it’s all too upsetting. Suffice to say this film should be erased from mankind’s history and the film stock used to make something useful like plastic surgery for aging action heroes.

A view to a kill: Roger Moore was born in 1927 which makes him marginally younger than Her Majesty the queen, and in 1985 when this film was made he was pushing sixty. Sadly, viewing a kill was about as good as it gets because I doubt he could actually carry one out without stopping for a comfort break. Q should have given him laser slippers and a hot water bottle that can crack safes and doubles up as a land mine. I don’t remember much about the plot. Christopher Walken was insane as usual and very watchable but even his greatness couldn’t save this film. Grace Jones was just plain weird throughout and there were far too many trouser suits. If you have a copy of this film I suggest you donate it to someone who has an uneven floor so they can use it to steady their coffee table.

For your eyes only: For your eyes IF only more like! Utter bilge from start to finish. Again, Moore is too old in this film. I know this is beginning to sound like a tirade against dear Roger but it is not. The man is a legend and I loved most of his Bond films … he just forgot to throw in the towel when he was on the top of his game. The 80’s was a peculiar decade which seems to date really badly and it’s not just because of the clothes and the hair. They experimented with new ideas like electronic music and other stuff and the results have a very limited shelf life. This film is, well, a bit dull. The leading lady was a bit lifeless and too young, a full thirty years younger than Bond. And so, the cradle-snatching, over-made up, face-lifted Moore huffs and puffs through this adventure whilst all those around him look as is if it’s all they can do not to give him a comfy chair and a cup of cocoa. Just a silly and unmemorable film and the worst part of all is the daft ‘Bloefeld’ bit at the beginning where the evil mastermind seems to be driving around in a field on his own, in an electric wheelchair … I think even the cat has deserted him. Woeful daftness.

License to kill: A better name might be: “Franchise to Kill”, or “License to disappoint”. No wonder it took them so long to bounce back from this one. In fact, the original name for this movie was "License Revoked" and had the entire film been revoked it may have been better for all concerned. Now I had high hopes for this film. Off the back of ‘The Living Daylights’ which I would rate amongst my all time favorite bond films for pure action packed mayhem, and great locations, but it disappointed me massively. It had all the de rigueur of a straight to video B-flick. Bond films need multiple exotic locations … somewhere hot and somewhere cold … but this whole film was just set somewhere boring. You know you’re on a losing streak when the intro story is crap and it was for this one. Chasing planes with helicopters, as if some super villain is going to fly slow and straight enough to allow his plane to be lassoed. I don’t know … this film should have worked but it just didn’t. It didn’t have the magic of bond, instead it just felt like another average action film.

Die another day: ‘Watch another day,’ preferably a day when you’re sleeping. Now, it’s fare to say that as secret agents go, James bond is more than a little indiscreet. The way he carries on it would use up most of the MI5 budget trying to keep him out of the papers. The real bad, bad, bad moments of this movie are firstly when he meets Halle Berry’s character for the first time. The script is reminiscent of Santa Barbara on a bad day. The sword-fight, oh please, it’s bad enough having Madonna speaking on film without a ‘Secret’ agent openly fighting with a broadsword in broad daylight before a crowd of onlookers. We have the ridiculous ‘I can make a kite-boarding rig from a dragster without any tools’ debacle … come on bond, the other guy never even got himself into that situation, he was too smart. And ever since Goldeneye (a far, far superior movie) this business of turning the Smirnoff bottle to face the camera every time you drink it takes shameless advertising to new heights, or depths. And don’t get me started on the theme tune!

The world is not enough: ‘The script is not enough, the plot is not enough, even the gorgeous Sophie Marceau is not enough to save this one. Come on … this is was 1999 can we get over this idea of chasing people down ski-slopes on Heath-Robinson-esque flying contraptions. They barely look as though they could take off, let alone be used to pursue someone at high speed. And James, what is going on with that metallic maroon ski-gear? I thought those days were behind us. My main beef with this movie is that I can’t figure out what is going on, the plot seems very lame and not particularly sinister. They dragged poor Robert Carlisle to give it some of that ‘Begbie’ nastiness, but it doesn’t work because they give him a Russian accent which makes him sound more like an exchange student than an evil genius. Pretty girls and big explosions but a essentially a load of old tosh.

Tomorrow never dies: I don't know who names these newer films but it does feel a bit as though they’ve done it using a half depleted box of poetry fridge magnets or something. ‘Die another day, and Tomorrow never Dies’ … I’m seeing a pattern. I suppose we can look forward to ‘Don’t die Yesterday’ and ‘Next week is not enough for you to die for.’ Anyway, this one was the best of the three Brosnan films I’ve listed, but that by no means vindicates it. So let me get this straight, a news paper magnate is riding the high seas in a stealth boat doing dreadful things so that he can make amazing news headlines. This smacks more of Marvel Comics than Ian Fleming. I didn’t even finish watching this one it was all very silly. I loved the bit where the fat computer guy goes ‘don’t damage this satellite it’s worth three hundred million’ … but wait, it’s been assembled in a room with normal sized doors on the first floor. How on earth do they expect to get it out of there? Bond was doing them a favor by kicking it over .. I mean you’d think a billionaire would at least have the common sense to rent a hanger to build his satellites. This was also the last time I recall Terri Hatcher looking curvy.

Thunderball: What? A pre-Lazenby Bond film in the naughty list? Surely not! But yes, this film is here for one simple reason … it’s slow moving and really boring. Connery is good, the locations are good it all looks okay but it’s just really dull and lacks the magic of the other films.

Octopussy: I feel a bit bad sticking this one in because there’s much about it I like. It has a brilliant car chase, great locations, fun knife throwing brothers, a totally over the top Stephen Berkoff as General Orlov. And it doesn't have that painfully ridiculous scene at the end of Moonraker where special effects destroy what was up until that point a great movie. So what’s wrong with it? Well … in a word ‘THAT STUPID TARZAN BIT!’ why oh why did they do it? Bond is being chased through India by Kamal Khan (which reminds me, I must write a separate hub about how many films have villains called Khan) when he sees some hanging vines and swings on them making the Tarzan noise. Oh, if you could destroy a film with one act of idiocy it is this. I mean, Octopussy starts out with arguably the best opener of all, with Bond flying his tiny collapsible jet plane sideways through a hangar, brilliant stuff. But I just can’t forgive this safari-suit stunt. And the hot air balloon bit at the end is tiresome too. I mean, honestly who attacks a palace with a bunch of acrobats and circus freaks? Why not just use soldiers?

Diamonds are forever: This was Connery’s first foray back into Bond after leaving. Unable to find a suitable replacement for George Lazenby who had done a runner (Bit mistake George, and you’ve subsequently admitted it!) the Scot returned in this lackluster effort. Oh it has its moments. Who could forget the voluptuous Jill St. John as Tiffany Case? And indeed Lana Wood as Plenty O’Tool (giggle) … or even Putter Smith and Bruce Glover as the sinister and hugely camped up Mr Kidd and Mr Wint? But there’s too much 70’s schmaltz in this movie. Cheap gags and a rather limp car chase. In a similar way to License to Kill it seems to think that if you put James Bond in a dull cop movie it suddenly becomes a bond film … I think not! It is below par, which still puts it streets ahead of some of the films in this list.

In conclusion folks, these are just my opinions, exaggerated a little maybe. I love the Bond franchise and the new films are a superb return to form. May Bond go on forever, another day, tomorrow, and never die … just leave out the pish and keep them pithy and smart! Sources: www.imdb.com